Here is the last installment of the Foster Parent Awareness Month posts. Eventhough tomorrow is June 1st, all the problems of the world have not been solved. We need to keep rallying around the families who need second chances all year long. We will continue to foster – please continue to pray for us.

The joys, tears, brokenness and wonder that has been our journey through foster care has been well documented by my beautiful wife and her amazing writing skills. Yes, this is not Jennifer, but her husband, Joseph, writing to you all on this the final day of foster care awareness month. My wife asked me much earlier to complete this seemingly simple task, but I had not made the time available for the task.

You see, giving up three amazing souls after 15 months of investing our lives into them…well, it just is not so simple as we would like it to be. It would all be so much simpler if we could just take the array of emotions in put them in one box labeled sad, or happy, or relieved, or broken, or joyous, or…something. Jennifer aptly recorded that moment here and here. Since then, I have been ashamed at going whole days without thinking about them and have been amazed at how close I am to becoming undone by a forgotten sock or misplaced toy. But in the end, that is just life. There is no instruction manual to events that could happen. No stock responses that are ‘right.’ We learn and cope based on the foundation that has been built by our parents, faith, education, experience, and world view. People often ask us how we could be foster parents (or at least affirm the negative of this in stating they could never be foster parents) and I keep coming back to all of those who have helped build my foundation, and the sustainer of it all, my wonderful God. It was an amazing experience to be there, while our Creator worked through his willing servants and was glorified even amidst a desperate and broken system.

Well, back to the task, something about advice on foster parenting from a foster dad…that’s easy.

Step 1 – Have an Amazing Wife

Some may say the following steps are a prerequisite, but my experience says otherwise. Without Jennifer, this story line would not be a part of our lives. Her willful obedience to a answer the call and need of the orphaned(kids temporarily or permanently without capable parents) inspired my sometimes reluctant participation into dutiful assistance. She organized our paperwork, signed us up for classes, researched everything, and sacrificed much for those kids over the past 15 months. I often received praise from others for how I was with the kids (though this was primarily from there desperate need of masculine attention, which I will address below), but I could only do this because of how wonderful Jennifer was with them most of the time. I travelled during this tenure, more often than I wished, and the bulk of the duty fell upon Jennifer’s willing shoulders. Her diligent discipline, her charitable use of her time for the three kiddies, her unwavering love for them – it all worked the ground and grew the fruit of which I just happened to be near when others were around. In short, my advice is that this is 100% a team thing, both be on board – I was just lucky to have someone willing to be the whole team while I was away and not demand the credit when I returned.

Step 2 – Be there in any way you can

You may think this is hypocritical given my time away, but I will explain. Foster parenting is so much more than providing the necessities of life for disadvantaged youth. It is raising and morphing young souls to be ready for the next stage of their lives, to be fruitful throughout their lives. It is loving like crazy the kids in front of you yet also being ready to love the parents that put them there, regardless of past transgressions. It is following the guides of a broken, underfunded system that follows the dislogic of the lowest common denominator. Any deviation from the above brings about more tragedy for those involved. Just get the kids through and try and remain detached, those young souls may never have a chance at being whole and trusting relationships. Blame the parents for it all and risk never seeing the kids again or planting seeds of hate in such innocent young lives. Disregard a seemingly pointless or backwards stipulation of DCS and you might watch the kids be removed and placed in another home. A foster parent needs to be there for the kids, the parents, and the process or risk ruining it all for their own selfish feelings. The kids need this presence; foster parents need this as well. Remove yourself and the tragedy of it all could drown you. I remember getting nearly taken down with the undertow of blame and shame when I allowed myself to try and distance myself from the kids when we first thought they were going back (only 1 month into it then). It happens, by the grace of God I recovered and decided I would be present no matter what error or problem was presented. Through the painful and joyous months that followed, I was able to get by just by playing with the kids or following the system or trying to see the best in the birth parents rather than stepping back and fully realizing how sad it all seemed at the time. If you think about them going home to something worse, your emotions and fears could tear you apart. Be here now. Be in the moment and focus on those kids.

Step Three: Let go and Let God

You cannot do this by yourself. You cannot do this with just an amazing and wonderful spouse. You need to let go of any prideful idea that it is you changing the lives in front of you. Once you give up on that idea, God makes it easy. God uses those people full of Christ’s love to blow you away with charity and willful offerings of time and support. God gives you strength that makes you feel superhuman. Try to claim as your own incarnation and it slips away. Let go of the control and fall into the hands that mold a peace beyond understanding. It is not always easy to do, but once achieved…even if for just a short time…foster care could be done by any family with a desire to serve. Maybe even yours.

Thanks for reading my rambling. Thanks to my wonderful wife for asking for my input. I want to leave with this last observation and then a poem. Most of the kids who are in foster care are there with no or little hope of having a significant, stable father figure in their lives. They crave the attention, the safety of bigger arms, even the sterner discipline that often accompanies a masculine approach. We all can do more to assist struggling families and detached fathers, be big brothers or coach little league, support foster families and volunteer to babysit for single mothers.

Today my mom was taken from me,
I tried to hide, do anything to stay;
they said I would finally be free
but alls they did was take me away.
The old van pulled up to a strange home
Out came a stranger called my foster Mom.
She said with her love that was not her own
That I would be safe with or without calm.
Through that first month, with screaming and crying
I attempted mutiny, and feigned dying;
Nothing I could do could keep her from trying.
Back and forth we moved to the saddest tune
That nearly tore my soul, so her things I tore until they were hewn…
Yet through tears and big hugs her love grew stronger.
Though I felt broken inside I could hide no longer.
Her pursuit brought me near and we laughed and we cried.
Her love she gave made me barely notice our coming goodbye.
My birth mother made well through time and circumstance,
All allowed by my bonus mother and our little dance.
Though distance now holds back her soft, “I love you.”
I now stand blessed with not just one mother but two.